Menu
Free from 30 years of guilt and grief!
Kristjan Kallas – (Success & Experience Story)
Musician
I had my first breathing session about five years ago. A little voice in my head insisted on it. Having read the testimonials of people who had felt a great sense of ecstasy towards life, all-embracing and overwhelming love etc., I also wanted to experience something similar.
The result of the first session was everything besides the overwhelming feeling of lightness and love. Severe cramps and aches all over the body, from head to toe, accompanied by tremendous overheating. The only wish in my head was for it to end already.
I realised that despite my first experience, which was not so pleasant, I needed to deal with my issues. Without my conscious contribution, the cells of my body had stored all the tensions, trauma and repressed emotions of my life, all of which were now triggered, when the brain’s mechanism of controlling the rest of the body was switched off.
For the next three to four sessions it was more of the same, but each time a little milder – my tensions dissipated and melted away, with the addition of some out-of-body experiences where I felt like I floated ten centimetres above my physical being, plus some immense visual experiences. It was probably necessary to first remove the main obstacles, i.e., physical tensions, to move onto the next level.
Then I took a break for a few years.
When Raimond suggested to have a collective breathing session for the whole band, I agreed immediately, hoping it would bring the group closer together. The offer included five individual, and five group sessions.
When I went to my first session after the break, I was a little scared and nervous, wondering if I was going to have the same unpleasant experience, just like a few years ago. Regardless of the small break, it was much milder – I did feel my fingers clenching and my legs curling under my stomach, but it did not make me feel uncomfortable, probably because I was prepared for something worse.
After a few times, I noticed my breathing sessions had a definite pattern. In the first phase I felt physical pain (which disappeared in later sessions), and at one point a complete black out, unconsciousness. Immense visuals (shapes, mostly triangles, a big deer’s head, icons, an image of Virgin Mary, men/people in all-white standing above and besides me), a brief moment of consciousness and then, after a few moments, disappearing to another world again.
After every session, I felt a strange, sour, peculiar taste and smell in my mouth and nose, even after arriving home. I even smelled my clothes to make sure whether they had a weird odour. Later I found out that I was not the only one to describe such a taste and smell. Namely, it is a psychedelic substance called DMT, which can be found in many plants and is also produced in small amounts by the human body. I somehow activated the production of it while breathing.
After four private sessions I felt that I could reach a certain point within myself very easily, with little effort and no obstacles, until I arrived at a powerful protective blockage that prevented me from going any further. What could be behind that? I don’t know, and I have no idea how to dig through this wall. I pinned my hopes on group sessions.
Having only attended individual breathing sessions so far, I did not know what to expect from group breathing sessions with people I considered to be my friends and co-workers. People I have already chosen out of hundreds of others and who are special to me as is. Maybe there would be some mystical thread system above us, connecting us on a higher level, or something like that?
It went as usual – everyone worked on their own personal issues and problems. Except for the beginning, where everyone stated the purpose they would try to take with them on their breathing journey.
I realised that if one did not think of a purpose naturally, there was no point in starting to invent something. It has to come to you, you just need to relax. Otherwise, you will start chasing something not relevant to you at that moment and you may be disappointed if you don’t get it.
During the nineties, it was common in smaller towns and villages for unfinished buildings to stand for years in a state of disrepair, without any restriction of access or supervision, where boys would go climbing and exploring.
When I was seven, I experienced a tragic event. A friend of mine who was a few years older tragically died on a construction site, right before my eyes, as he got trapped under loose cinder blocks that collapsed. For a seven-year-old child, it is psychologically quite a difficult process to cope with such an event on his own. At that time, no one asked me how I felt or what emotions I had with regard to this. Not at home, not at school.
Since then, for 30 years, this event has tormented me and I have felt partly guilty about it because of a few sentences that my parents uttered later. For about 20 years, I completely blocked this out, only in the last 10 years the event has started to visit me and remind me of its existence. Usually I take a moment, shed a few tears and get back to my usual business, I have no strength or courage to go all the way and delve into it.
During the second to last, eighth session with Raimond, I took it with me to my breathing session. I went deep into that day, felt it at the bottom of my soul, tears pouring. I had time (about 1.5 hours), nowhere to escape, and no reason to, because if not now, then when. The session ended, everyone shared their experiences, except for me, as my jaw was still trembling.
The same night, I suddenly woke up from my sleep. I did not dare or want to open my eyes, because I could feel someone sitting on the edge of my bed, looking at me, then leaning over my face as if to check that I was alright, then standing up and quietly moving away. At that very moment I realised clearly why this being had come. The message was that my friend was fine and it was not my fault.
I have not felt this light for a long time as I have since that night and I can now freely have a conversation about the event without my jaw starting to trembling.
The last session I just slept deeply, while the friend next to me was experiencing his own strong emotions, insights and understandings.
While writing this, I do realise that it has been quite a journey, starting five years ago from struggling with physical pains and blocks, up to now, at which point I can perhaps start dealing with the core of the issue and my past problems that have held me back and restricted me. The process of digging into one’s subconsciousness goes layer by layer, little by little.
I am not sure whether the process united us as a group or not, but I tend to think that doing things that might be weird in the ordinary sense of the word function as a unifying force.
